Jose Gonzalez, one of my Blog Mastermind members, came to me with an interesting topic he wanted to discuss in a guest post for this blog.
If you’re in charge of your business then it’s your motivation that keeps things going, and there’s nothing more de-motivating than a relationship ending, especially if you didn’t want it to. Jose is here to help you deal with the challenge of a relationship breakdown, if you work from home or run your own business.
A couple of years ago Jose wrote a book titled How To Get Over Your Ex and he invested over 12 months in education and became a certified NLP practitioner. He’s well equipped to offer advice in this area, so if you’re suffering emotionally right now, but you don’t want your business to suffer too, read the following article by Jose…
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For me, The New Year started with a shock. Something went wrong in my relationship. My fiancé decided that she’d had enough of me being too wrapped up in trying to make a living on-line and not spending enough time in The Present. It was over.
In the space of a heartbeat, my hope-filled plans for the coming months were dashed away in a wave of nausea, replaced with a hollow emptiness and a feeling of disbelief that I couldn’t quite shake off.
The tinsel, the flashing lights, the snow-topped tree… suddenly all of it felt ridiculous and false in this new silence.
Ironically, I finally found myself in The Now, unable to escape it.
But it wasn’t just The Now that felt hollow…
My blog’s rocketing readership, my up-and-coming best selling e-books, my sales letters’ improved conversions… all the things that I’d been hoping the future was going to deliver in answer to my blood, sweat and tears, suddenly meant next to nothing.
Because now I had nobody to share those successes with.
And then things got worse…
Nothing is more disrupting to your productivity than a personal upset. It’s almost impossible to run efficiently when you’re low on self-esteem, full of negativity and hurting.
Being severed from my significant other, I found myself burning emotional energy at an alarming rate: I was trapped inside my own repetitive thoughts, in a vicious daily cycle of gloom and misery.
And I couldn’t get anything done.
They say time is money. I say time is the only currency. And I was loosing time at a rate that I just couldn’t afford. Like every other business owner and home worker, I don’t have a pay check guaranteed at the end of the month.
I borrowed money to stay afloat, took a loan, put it on the card… took a little more, just to keep me going… and before long I was in serious debt.
And then, I hit rock bottom.
In hindsight, that was a good thing, because that’s when I finally made a decision to take some action, to do something – anything – to get out of the mess I was in.
Two years on and a book later I’m here to give you all the hindsight you need, because if this is happening to you right now, then your business is about to take a dive… unless you act very quickly. Moreover, if you don’t have the good fortune of having built a cash reserve of at least three months… you’re going to need a way to stay focused on your money tasks until you’re more equipped to deal with your breakup.
So Where Is The handle?
We’ve all seen the movie where the bridge collapses, the ship sinks or the skyscraper burns. Everybody panics and makes for the exit.
Everybody except the hero.
The hero always remains calm in the face of adversity.
We all know the script: those who ‘loose it’ fail. So you’re going to have to become the hero of this story. You don’t have much of a choice.
So how does the hero remain calm?
The simple trick to remaining calm can be summed up in one state: detachment.
Disciplining yourself to remain detached from the situation when your feelings are in turmoil seems and feels wrong. We are emotional beings after all. Nonetheless, reality is often harsh, and in this case you’re going to have to exercise Damage Control if you want to protect your business and your short-term financial future.
If you ‘loose it’ now, you could well find yourself stacking shelves in your local supermarket – not a bad place to start, but not the ideal place to end.
Right now, you need a plan: a blueprint, ’cause right now ‘you ain’t thinkin straight’, and having a set of steps to follow removes the ‘thinking’ out of any task.
If you don’t already work to a schedule of some sort, your best investment right now is to come up with one, fast. It doesn’t mater how detailed it is – your aim is to create a trail of breadcrumbs to follow in order to get you from one end of the day to the other without having to task your mind any more than it already is right now. Leaving room to think will only lead you to getting sidetracked by the inevitable distractions you’re going to be facing.
Essentially, your goal is to divide your time into 2 sections: work and downtime.
Work time is going to take up the most productive part of the day. Right now you’re probably not feeling very productive, but you’re going to put yourself through the motions anyway. Immerse yourself in your tasks and stay focused. Head down, and come up for air only when you need to.
Downtime is going to consist of various stages, but the ones we’re interested in are:
- emotional time
- reflection time
- learning time
- action time
The terminology is interchangeable – reflection time can be recovery time and so on. These categories are merely labels for different emotional states. The point is to become aware of – and expect – them, rather than committing them to memory.
- Think of emotional time and reflection time as ‘natural’ processes. Within these processes you may experience regret, sorrow, anger and other emotions, at varying degrees.
- Learning time and action time on the other hand are processes that you’re going to add to the mix. These are going to be ‘Damage Control’ items that will help you steer the direction of things. It puts you in control.
A relationship breakdown is not a thing you want to dwell on forever, but you do need to extract as many lessons as you can from this event if you’re going to improve who you are in any way. Not doing so is a wasted opportunity to become a better person, and you run the risk of making the same mistakes again in the future.
Education is the key: develop ‘The Self’
The turning point for me was embarking on a learning curve that took me on a journey across behavioral psychology, philosophy and NLP.
My big take-away was that it’s just as important to gain an education in this area as it is in any other area of your business or life that you want to improve, or at least get a handle on. It’s that simple: if you want to fix something quickly and efficiently, learning how to fix it is the fastest way to do it.
You don’t have to embark on an epic quest to find yourself, but investing a little time each Downtime on your education will move you in the right direction much faster than waiting around for time to do its job (and the latter comes without a guarantee).
Education is anything that helps you deal with your situation, including:
- self-help books
- audio programs
- seminars
- self-help groups
- therapy
- anything else that helps you
Since you’re going to have downtime anyway, use this time to immerse yourself in reflection and glean everything that you can from your experience. As you shift from the early stages of your breakup into a more reflective state, make the most out of this learning opportunity.
The alternative is simply downtime with no learning: the most unproductive of all. If you wait for time to heal you, you’re taking a gamble and the longest available route.
The worst thing you can do is fall into depression and engage in negative habits, such as over drinking. Once sure way to do this is by standing still and wallowing in your misery for longer than you have to.
Easier said than done, I realize, but nobody said this is easy.
You can learn from my mistakes…
To help you stay focused and efficient as you find your way over the coming days – or weeks – I’ve put together 7 key steps that will save you some time when it comes to planning. Use this guide to kick-start yourself back into action and focus on your business.
Each step comes with the seal of experience. Use them and tweak them if you must into whatever format works best for you.
Here are 7 Key Things You Can Do To Stay Focused and Productive During Your Breakup
1. Divide your time into 2 areas: schedule your emotional interrupts
Divide your day into 2 parts: work time and downtime. Separate in your mind the 2 areas and attach a meaning to each one:
- work time is when you work
- downtime is when you learn.
This sets up a mode of behavior for each part of the day, especially when you reinforce those meanings. Remember: moping is not allowed in work time.
2. Start your day like this, every day…
Start each day by asking yourself: what is the single most important – the highest value task – that I can do right now? (It’s probably not going to be moping). Stick to your most important task until it’s done, then repeat this process over and over.
This keeps you focused and productive.
3. Get all the ‘little’ tasks done too
Schedule single blocks of time to target all the small but important tasks in your to-do list – those little things that you never seem to get time to finish. Now you have time, so get them done. Work in blocks of 30-60 minutes, moving as fast as you can through each task whilst still producing a quality outcome.
This keeps you focused and productive.
4. If it’s not business, stay off the phone.
Don’t ring friends and whine about your situation, and don’t pick up the phone to friends that are ringing to hear you whine about your situation. Always excuse yourself. You have work to do and a mind to keep busy.
When you talk about how terrible you feel and how bad things are, your brain releases into your bloodstream the perfect combination of chemicals to match your mood. We run on emotions. If you don’t want to feel sad, don’t talk about sad things. Stop reinforcing negativity and don’t engage in gossip.
5. Stay away from the radio and control what you listen to!
The radio is full of songs about people breaking up, about lying, cheating and betrayal. There’s nothing more effective than a song from the past when it comes to rekindling your anguish. With music, you have anchors (mental connections) to many things good and bad. Instead of playing Russian roulette with your emotions, control what you listen to. Now’s the time to dig out that old favorite CD or playlist that energizes you.
This lowers the risk of upset.
6. Engage in new habits and routines
Do things differently. For instance, if you’re used to breaking for lunch and talking a stroll, then try something different. Try not to engage in routines that have an emotional attachment to your recent past and to your ex. Doing so will trigger familiar patterns. Break the patterns.
This lowers the risk of upset.
7. Use your downtime to completely unplug from work, and start learning
Feed your mind with new information to help you deal with your new situation. Read self-help books, listen to audios, watch seminars and video trainings. Work to improve yourself and you’ll discover a new better you at the other end of your journey.
Will you make mistakes? Yes you will make mistakes, but mistakes are opportunities to learn. Will you suffer? Yes, you will. But by taking control of yourself and your environment you can significantly minimize stress and distractions, and by taking control of your downtime and using this window to learn and develop yourself further, you will significantly accelerate your recovery and even improve yourself beyond your expectations.
If you need more help with your Downtime learning, consider my e-book How To Get Over Your Ex – a 7-Step System to help you move on and heal fast.
All the best for 2010.
Jose Gonzalez
NLP Certified Author
http://www.get-over-your-ex.com/clickbank/
Timely Stuff yet again!
A couple months ago I went through a pretty traumatic break up, and I spent weeks down in the dumps with no way out. I’ll spare you all the long story, but it was the lowest point of my life so far.
Reading this article has give me some encouragement, and some useful tips to getting me going again, because I still seem to be dragging sometime.
I’ve found that forcing yourself to work alleviates the pain for a little while, because your mind is wrapped up in what you are doing rather than what you are feeling. It’s like a worker’s high or something of the sort.
Great Article!
Jose, I’ve been there and yes it hurt and yes it was debilitating. You advice on segregating your work and down time is great but I would like to add one additional task for your down time; when you need it the most that’s the best time to give it away. Since you feel needy at that point it is the perfect time to go out and help others and thereby distract yourself from your own pain and feel useful and loved. It doesn’t have to be volunteer at a homeless shelter dramatic, reaching out to family and friends works great too.
I went through a horrible break up toward the end of last year and finally everything turned out better than planned. I’m still with her and we’re doing better. Long story short we’re going through counselling and things are looking a bit better than even before the horrible time happened.
I wish I had had this back then however I’m glad that I have this now!
Very good stuff as usual. For me 17 years of marriage, 4 kids and three soccer teams i coach time is very hard to find. I have found the balancing act between family and work is a precarious one. This is great information for those that have gone through a tough breakup. I cannot imagine how bad a breakup would mess with my work life and hopefully i will never find out.
Roy Paeth
Chicago First Time Home Buyer
I don’t think there is anything that can shake one’s existence up quite like a traumatic breakup. The joke is that quite often the warning signs are there long beforehand, but we pretend all is OK until when breaking point is eventually reached it is just too late.
Excellent post. I am justing going through the unexpected breakup of my 25 year marriage and to say it has left me at the lowest point is an understatement.
The time since she left has made me realise that you need to focus on what you want now – you can’t have what was. To do this it is necessary to focus on activities that will move you to your new life – it helps to keep very busy and you achieve something.
Don’t forget to reward yourself for the successes even if they are as small as getting out of bed in the morning.
This post has some great tips and shows we are not alone – there are plenty of others in the same position.
Been there done that. Twice.
There’s different ways of handling it. The most important thing is to get it handled. This 7 step method is as good as any.
I really could go deep, but this isn’t the place for it.
Well, thank goodness there is a Clickbank ebook to help one get over such a tragic situation. And, once again, it’s “lose it”, not “loose it.”
This is little more than a thinly-disguised ad, complete with undisclosed affiliate link, could be used on ANY blog, as it has little to do with blogging per se.
Dear PJ,
Can’t you see that Yaro endorsed this blog entry wholeheartedly? I trust Yaro’s judgment and have bought a copy of the book while my current relationship is still working! Always good to have insurance, right??
Get out of your own way, open your mind (and your wallet!) and just buy this eBook. Yaro would never allow anyone to make a post here that was not 100% valuable!
Respectfully,
Burt
This is a fantastic article. I’m going through the same thing at the moment and for the past six months or so my blogs and sites havereally beeen suffering due to my depression.
I’m hoping 2010 will be the start of a change.
Thank you all for your feedback, it’s much appreciated.
Tyler: yours is a great point too. Helping others is a huge distraction (from a selfish point of view) with the added bonus of making a change in somebody else’s life
There’s so much more that can be added, as Dave Doolin pointed out, but these 7 steps are aimed specifically at helping one keep focused on their business tasks during a breakup.
PJ Morales: I’m sorry you feel this way. I worked extremely hard and put in the time to produce a high quality product when I could have been partying instead.
The book itself costs less than a round of drinks. In terms of the value of somebody’s time, that’s the equivalent of 2 or 3 hours of somebody’s time. If somebody can get over a breakup in 3 hours or less, then the book is not for them. For the rest of us, it’s an investment.
This post offers free advice aimed at helping somebody who’s not in the right frame of mind right now to plan their day. Ads by definition don’t offer value of any kind.
I do offer a link to my product for those who may be interested, with an undisclosed link as you mentioned (there’s no reason why I should cloak the link) but the post itself is complete – you don’t need to buy anything to get ‘the rest’ of the information provided here. It’s a 7 step plan, and it can make a difference to somebody who needs it.
Clearly this information is not for you, and that can only be a good thing: anybody going through a breakup will tell you how lucky you are.
PS Thanks for the spelling tip (that was a genuine typo).
Jose
Thankfully, I’ve been married for over 25 years, so I think our relationship is pretty good!
However, I do have plenty of friends who have been through traumatic break-ups, so I now know where to point theme to get good advice on how to remain productive… and I don’t mean a lawyer
It has not happened to me yet and I hope that it does not ever, but this is solid good advise which should help if I ever I need it. Thank you.
Great advice, Jose! Hopefully I never have to take advantage of it.
Very timely for me! Broke up just today and its hard … very hard and painful especially if you have other things going on as well like a family member in hospital.
Reading this post was like it was written for me and it was really comforting and encouraging! Thanks.
I will make it thru the day, week, months, years…
Thank you all for your feedback – it’s much appreciated.
All the best for 2010!
Jose
This is a great guest post because it’s business with a pinch of emotion. It isn’t often that bloggers write about this aspect of business- the aspect where things aren’t always operated in a perfect environment because as humans we face traumatic experiences and downfalls that can weigh us down. I really enjoyed reading your guest post because it exposes us to a more humanistic approach.
Wow, this is pretty strange how timely this is for me. Whether it would have been or not though, this is a great post for today or to keep in mind in the future. It can also be applied to time of other troubles, or just simple lack of motivation. Fantastic tips; I tend to break a few of the ‘rules’ in this, and now I know not to when I’m feeling down!
This is an excellent post that I printed and placed over my desk.
I “expanded” #5, to include television/internet “news” bursting with worrisome headlines and complete negativity.
Thanks for this. It is a great way to start a New Year without “resolutions”.
A new way of living is much, much better!
Blimey, rather emotional. Mind you, for some, the breaking of a long term relationship has provided a new lease on life and has allowed some to consider a new start and options – including an online business. Whether for money reasons or just because they can.
If the relationship was toxic and stressful then the break up can be a good thing giving one to concentrate more on the projects. I agree with that. It will be like weight has been lifted off. However, its the way we deal with it, that can make a difference.
Great article…and thanks everyone who said “I’m going through this right now”….because I’m going through this right now. LOL
I am surprised with this article and its comments. I believe the problem is that we think of women as assets. We feel comforted. We feel in control. This is selfish. Have you considered how difficult it is for a woman to terminate a relationship? Have you tried to comfort her and to understand her? She is the one you loved, remember. The one you thought would bear your children. Now is a wonderful opportunity to ask yourself who you are and what you are made of. Because if you truly love her, you will do what is necessary to mend that bridge. Nobody can help you, but yourself. Friends, family will only contribute to making things more confusing. Trust yourself and go for it. I am writing this as I lost my mother a few weeks ago. She died because a doctor failed to do his job. What can be worse? Think of your lady as either free and happy, or suffering and needy. You can still make a difference.
Thnx Frederic. Your comment is amazing as article.
And Yaro thnk you too.
All the best for 2010!
Its very difficult to focus on work when you have an emotional issue and especially if you are your own boss, the distraction can be disastrous!
We need to separate work from personal life. This can be hard but by working with more vigour can help to take the mind away from the heart break.
I think we have all been in this type of situation, and it sucks, BIG TIME!
At first I wasn’t going to read this post as it doesn’t apply to me. But my curiosity got the best of me – all your articles are well worth the read.
The further into the article I got, the more interested I became. It made me think of my current situation. Granted, I am not experiencing an emotional breakdown, but I am caring for an ill loved one. What I take from this: regardless of the emotional stress, there are steps one can take to create a balance between emotional hardship and survival of business.
You could just stay single :p.
Even though this is written to deal with breakups I can see how we could apply it in other times of stress.
What a fantastic post, you know we all face things in our lives.
This is great advice for anyone going through tough times, not only a relationship break-up.
I recently felt the need to be very transparent with my readers, life just has not been easy.
But I managed to do it, run my business and move forward.
At the same time, when I look back and think about what all happened I believe I really should’ve taken a leave of absence from my own business.
Before I figured that out, it was too late.
It’s smart to take a step back and even let someone else run things in the meantime until you feel like you’re up to par. Anyhow, if you’re interested here’s my reflective post about it.
http://www.smallbusinessbranding.com/1767
Great post, I notice too in working for myself that emotional bumps in my personal life really effect my entrepreneurial performance. I love the concept of splitting your time in two. Listening to podcasts instead of sappy radio helps me a lot when I am ‘down’ to get back into the swing of things and get positive through growing my business!
Cheers!
Great post, Yaro. A breakup is tough, like any emotional trauma. With depression, in that state, you don’t WANT to do stuff to get out of it, you don’t WANT to do anything, the DESIRE to climb out of that low emotional state. The challenge is to change the mental and emotional state. But if the perosn doesn’t WANT to get of of that state, no one can make him be healed. Sometimes, the person just has to get sick of living in that state in order to start reading books again, or making calls, or do much of anything.
@David actually this great post was written by Jose
Till then,
Jean
Very good stuff .It can also be applied to time of other troubles, or just simple lack of motivation.Thanks.
Wow, I could’ve used this like 6 months ago lol…but now I have a way of purging those emotions so that I can just move on and get work done..nice tips!
Just gut it out, dudes. You’re better off without someone who can’t make sacrifices for long-term goals, anyway.
I find sometimes that having something like this can motivate you more. Might just be me, but when I went through a break-up I was more determined than ever to show that I could achieve something and prove any feelings I had about doubting myself wrong.
So I read your seven steps, but I need to know did the ex come crawling back?
Really top top class stuff. There’s nothing more lethal to your business than a breaking up. I’ve been through a breaking up too and know how it feels. Thankfully, i wasn’t running a business at that time. Thanks Jose for explaining so clearly the ways to tackle this issue. I am looking forward to buy your book.
Relationships can be the most fulfilling part of our lives or the most crippling. I think this sort of thing has happened to almost anyone. Good advice.
Dear Yaro, only you can turn a personal experience into a learning one for so many of us. Hope you are feeling better now.
May the new year get you all that you want.
This is a great article, its always good to stay strong and try to do the things that don’t remind you of your ex. Its a pretty hard thing to get over, but this advice will help.
Tell me about it. A relationship break up can effect your life like you never imagined. I myself gained 50lbs, lost my motivation, did not want to leave the house or talk to people for nearly a year and also starting drinking a bottle of wine every night. The funny thing is, I did not know how depressed I had been until I eventually pulled out of it.
Great blogpost. Y
Yes relationship breakdowns are difficult to deal with generally anyway. Working from home while going through one is tough. I’m not sure what the future holds for my relationship currently, but I know it is hugely important that your partner has an interest in what you do
)
This community rocks !
Lovin that profile pic mike ( hoodie and 1s and 0s)!!!
i very like this word “downtime is when you learn” its very help me to learn if i in downtime, thanks for great post
Wow. That was quite a journey. Good thing you decided to post your experiences. This will encourage people not to give up or be out of focus. Your success will greatly signifies determination and motivation.
I find sometimes that having something like this can motivate you more.
This is a great article, its always good to stay strong and try to do the things that don’t remind you of your ex.
have seen and read about most relationships that seemed to get crippled by the internet-based business thing, Yaro – and it’s terrible. I know you aren’t exactly talking about the internet causing the breakdown here, but even so these things are quite a way to upset.
Very timely I should read this today. I went through a breakup in Nov. It was an abusive relationship and he was very controlling, so my business suffered terribly throughout the last couple of years and by the time we split it was gasping it’s final breaths. I had no time for “downtime” and had to hit the ground running if I was to save my business but many ddays I just can’t dredge up the self confidence or motivation to do that.
Even though the really bad days are getting fewer I still have them and today was a doozy! Someone called and in their attempt to make me feel better filled me in on all the details of my ex’s new life with his new woman. I played it very cool and “together” until I got off the phone at which point I totally fell apart and well, today has been a total lost cause. Not really I guess because I read your article and feel better already knowing I am going to immediately make up a schedule for myself and stick to it. You made some very good points.
Thank you
Carrie